My Secret to Staying Young Forever! After I published my memoir — Me: A Rewrite — in which I disclosed the cosmetic procedures I had up to the tender milestone of my 40th birthday, I rebelled. For those next few years, perhaps because of the shame of publicly disclosing my excessive focus on appearance, I […]
Facelifts and So Forth
What To Consider When Considering Cosmetic Surgery. Anxious and waiting—and possibly oozing beneath the mummified bandages—in the private clinic of a plastic surgeon’s office spotlighted by fluorescent lights … Me: The swelling isn’t that bad. Marilyn: I don’t know. I have no one to compare it to. I don’t know anyone who’s had a facelift […]
Let’s Talk Razor Burn.
…Because Then She Shaved My Face… If you want a detailed list of the cosmetic procedures I’ve done to look baby-face fresh, you’ll have to read my memoir. Or at least skip to that chapter. Oh wait, details are sprinkled throughout. In that case, feel free to skim-read—though, you would be missing out on plenty […]
Two Words: Bionic. Vagina.
Taking Charge Of Urinary Incontinence aka Leaky Bladder. Before we get to female aging and bodily disfunctions… One: I apologize. I apologize for not writing for so long. I’m sorry. I’m Canadian so I’m always sorry. It’s in our nature. And yes, I am grouping all Canadians into this friendly-nature-and-polite-apologizing generality. So sue me. (Um, […]
In Kathmandu Playing ‘Cat and Mouse’ with A Dastardly Old Hound.
Oh, Lolita! I would like to preface this tattletale by admitting that I took my chances choosing such a provocatively controversial novel—Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. It’s the tale (pun) of a thirty-seven-year-old man (pedophile) obsessed with a twelve-year-young nymphette. Let that be a lesson to me. However, mes cheries! I did give “Almost a Grandfather”—married […]
Warning: (r)Aging Lady. Aches and Pains and Plaque. Damn It.
I’m laying face down, almost naked save for skimpy skivvies (that be slang for panties). Can you tell my ass isn’t balanced? I ask, lifting my head. Yep, this side is more developed, he confirms. Shit. I knew it. That’s not good for your neck. I put my face down. He continues. It’s not noticeable […]
Today I’m Kind of Sad. And Fat.
The highlight of my week is the Wednesday Santa Monica Farmers’ Market. It’s really the only place my budget allows me to buy unabashedly; after all, I need to eat, right? Numerous vendors sell everything from chocolate mint to persimmons and to fresh-baked artisan breads, from all manner of cattle (beef, bison, pork) to the […]
New Prescription: Pork and Port
Mermaid and I go on a road trip to the Ventura Flea Market and then to Ojai, both about a 90-minute drive north of Venice Beach. Being of the eco-friendly nature, she drives a hybrid. Being of the collecting treasures kind, said hybrid is already stacked with former flea market finds: fabrics, blankets, baskets, wall […]
Using the “C” Word in Public—(And the “F” Word in this Post)
Warning: This blog contains a lot of the following swears: Fuck and cellulite. I haven’t had a dose of vanity insanity since I had shit put in my chinny chin chin back when I’d first arrived in Los Angeles, home of the overdose of overdone. A Doctor Yummy in Beverly Hills put out a Groupon […]
