“Dead to Me”? 🤨
I used to subscribe to the idea of “dead to me” if a relationship ended badly, but I’ve grown since then.
It wasn’t until I was almost 37 years old I learned how to make a friend.
As an adult, I didn’t really have friends until that time because I was a workaholic. And shy.
A co-worker said, “Anna, you need a social life. Actually, you need a life life.”
He was right. All I had was work, which at the time was my passion, but it wasn’t a mentally or emotionally healthy existence.
So, I went on a “friend date” with one of his clients he’d thought would be a good friend match for me. Despite many differences in our personalities, we got on immediately and are still great friends almost 18 years later.
My dearest friend lives on the other side of the world. We knew of each other because she dated one of my exes (small town dynamics), and we worked in the same industry, but didn’t become friends for several years (not because of the ex).
I don’t even remember who called who, but from the first time we hung out, I knew she was a keeper. We just clicked. Maybe because we’d both been through rough childhoods, or maybe because we had the same taste in men. (I’m laughing.)
In Seattle, back in 2010, I forced myself to get over shyness with self-inflicted exposure therapy. (You can read about that awkward phase in my memoir.) Now, I’m an expert at making new friends. Who knew?
However, like romantic relationships, not everyone is a suitable candidate, and not all friendships are meant to last forever.
That’s OK.
Over time, I started to notice something about friendships—and relationships in general.
Sometimes people move away and grow distant. Other times, life circumstances change and along with it compatibility. Sometimes people grow in different directions and are no longer aligned, or never were and can finally admit it. And, sometimes, trust is irrevocably broken.
That doesn’t have to mean time was wasted. If there was enough good for it to have been, there was some good. Just because a relationship ends badly doesn’t mean it was bad. It’s OK to remember the good.
People tend to focus on the bad because it makes it easier to justify a tough choice. Focusing on what wasn’t good isn’t necessary long term. It won’t hurt any more or less if you honour what was good. Even if repair isn’t possible—or welcome.
I’ve had friendships where when a need was voiced, the other person was offended by the delivery and ended the friendship, only to come back years later with an apology because they “now understand.”
Other times I have been the one to walk away not understanding someone else’s need, or not being able (or willing) to meet it. I undoubtedly owe apologies I’ve long forgotten.
Life is fluid. Relationships are fluid.
The only constant is change.
A wise man (an ex) used to say, “The sooner you get over it, the better you’ll feel.” He wasn’t wrong.
The sooner you remember love is the answer, the sooner you’ll heal.
But you’ve got to start with self-love.
And self-love starts with grace.
Ain’t that the truth.
What have we re-learned? That we’re all just doing the best we can with what we know.
Homework: Grace. Start with self and extend it to the people who remain—and the ones who don’t.
Additional AJ note: I live with chronic fatigue, so energy isn’t something I can take for granted. But once in a while, a thought surfaces that feels worth capturing. So you may be seeing more of these—brief, imperfect, and unfiltered.
