Is AJ Back on the market?
I’ve been off the market for the last eight years. On purpose. By choice. Am I back on the market now? No.
But just before we get into the why’s and why not’s of my relationship status, know I love you from afar and really do want you to find love, hence WingmamTV.
Ok, carry on…
After my last relationship ended all those years ago, I had a premonition I would be single until I was 50.
At the time, I remember feeling disappointed by that inevitability, knowing it was a foreshadowed fact.
I don’t know how I knew, but it has turned out to be true.
While I’ve had many an opportunity to date fine men, for a litany of reasons, I’ve chosen not to.
It’s entirely possible I created at least some of the circumstances leading to my accurate prophesy.
At first, I wanted to give myself a break from break ups to figure out what I was doing wrong in my past relationships.
I was the common denominator, after all!
Then, when I thought I’d figured out how I’d contributed to all those practice relationships, I wanted to experience being happily single for a while.
It took a while to get to the happily part, but I stuck it out.
Almost Ready But…
I was almost ready to put myself back on the market and consider dating again when loved ones in my family started dropping like flies. Cancer’s a bitch.
Three years in a row, my life went on hold during those enduring, depressing months when I went home (to my family) to help care for and/or be with them.
Along with those tragedies came business struggles, financial hardship, legal issues and finally, mounting health issues.
Chronic stress combined with an array of other physical contributors will knock you out eventually.
Plus, my relationship market value was in rapid decline.
But even more impactful to me was simply not having the energy to date or to even consider any kind of committed intimate relationship.
Even my friendships required adjustments because of my health issues and lack of energy.
I have extra time in my schedule, but very limited energy and socializing drains it quickly. Everything drains me quickly.
The sparse energy I do have mostly goes into my Wingmam work.
And as for non-committed intimate relationships… Well, flings aren’t my thing.
My relationship motto: The next guy to bed this gal will wed this gal. (It’s been 8 years, I can hold out.)
Thus, I decided to get healthy before putting myself back on the dating market.
I turn 50 this May.
But I am not there yet!
My Dating Site Profile
If I were to go back on the market now, I’d have to write a dating site profile that would say:
Introverted, self content sicky willing to see you twice a month for up to two hours, subject to last minute cancellations. No phone calls, no FaceTime, limited IM & texting. Definitely no sexting… #nolibido which means if we do the dirty, you’ll have to do all the work.
Some guys would love the limited contact, but they’d be none of the guys I’d want to be with.
What happens if my health improves?
I guess I could add this:
If I ever get well, I will expect more. A lot more. No guarantees on when or if I’ll ever be healthy. Or horny.
That, my friends, is why I respectfully request men don’t send me their love resumes or handsome mug shots (you’d be surprised how often this happens—I’m surprised!)
And while I’ve had many requests for “get to know you” or “write back-and-forth” or “go for a socially-distanced walk” etc., I do not have the energy for penpals or “new connections.”
The Friend Zone
Plus, let’s be honest, the friend zone ain’t what most men want to sign up for.
Certainly, NONE of the guys who’ve claimed they would be just fine with “just friends” with me.
Oh, you think YOU could, do you?
Here’s the litmus test for that…
Would you set me up with your single best guy friend?
Or how about this one…
Would you be okay with me asking a guy I’m romantically interested in to join us (hey, maybe you’d hit it off and make a new bud)?
No? Why ever not, dear Sir?
Exactly, so your intentions aren’t solely “let’s be friends.” (You do know this is my field of expertise, right? Riiight?)
So, please don’t ask me for my time (energy), unless you need dating or relationship advice, in which case, please visit my coaching options page here. It provides the one coaching option I’m sincerely excited about offering—email!
Things that re-energize me (as much as is possible): sleep, alone time, coaching emails, Tuesdays at 3pm.
What Do You Mean “Low energy, Anna?”
Someone asked me not long ago what I meant by “low energy.”
It’s kind of like this…
Imagine you’ve worked all day and then pulled an all nighter and then go to work again and then have a few brewskis and then take a sleeping pill.
That feeling just before you’re about to nod off, when you’re so tired you don’t even want sex, yeah, that’s how I feel most of the time.
If you’ve never been too tired for sex, you can’t understand.
If my situation ever changes I’ll inform of what I’m looking for in a man, but for now I’m not back on the market.
Anyone submitting their application in advance will be automatically disqualified for causing me angst with the pressure to reply—replies require energy—and the guilt I feel rejecting him. (I don’t have energy; I do have a heart.)
When someone wants something from you for their own gain but at your expense, does that make you feel good or not so good?
Thus, if you ask me out: disqualified. If you ask to be my friend: disqualified.
(Reminder, I don’t have enough energy for my nearest and dearest, as is!)
I know, right? What a pickle. But there’s just no way around it, you see.
So until further notice I remain “off the market” and unavailable.
Just to drive this point home.
Imagine you meet someone who sells windows and you tell them you own a house and they try to sell you new windows but you don’t want or need new windows.
Now, imagine they contact you on a regular basis to see if you want new windows.
Now, imagine somehow a bunch of other window salesmen find out you have a house and they contact you regularly to ask if you want new windows.
They may try to be subtle about it, but you still know what they really want is for you to want new windows.
You keep saying you don’t want new windows, you write a blog about it and send it to them, but they just. keep. asking.
Does this scenario feel good or not so good?
Relevance: Just because I provide dating and relationship advice doesn’t mean I want to date or be in a relationship.
For those who’ve wondered why I am single, there you have it.
Thank you for your attention, prayers and public comments. (Private email replies to this blog are automatically filtered into the trash bin.)
What have we relearned?
- You can’t always get what you want (me), but if you try, sometimes, you just might find you get what you need (the right gal for you, which isn’t me).
- I can’t always get what I want (The Gerry) but if I try, sometimes, I just might find I get what I need (healing) and later—when God decides—the right man for me (which is not The Gerry, who knew?!—God knew, that’s who).
Use my own Wingmam process to update my Top 5 Must-have’s so God knows who to send my way when I’m ready.
Reminder: I’m not ready!
Lots of love,
p.s. By the way, if you haven’t read my memoir, it does have a list of the Top 100 things 😉 I was looking for at the time I wrote the book. Yeah, most of them are still applicable even though I’m not back on the market (yet).
p.p.s. Oh, and also, if you do contact a woman who doesn’t know you by email to ask her out, you must leave some clue of how to find you online so she can do her research to ensure you’re not a Shreddie’s Killer. Women’s primary need is to feel safe, fellas!
p.p.p.s. Finally, just because you think a girl is cute or funny, doesn’t make the two of you compatible! I’m not that easy or fun to be with, so consider this mass public rejection your saving Grace. You’re welcome.