How To Get Skinny Fast. (Not "Skinny-Fat")
I Lost 10 Pounds. Start Skinny Shaming Me!
Okay, so far no one has skinny shamed me—to my face! But I'm sure it's going to happen any day now because I'm getting skinny again, ya'll.
What's the magic potion? Well, technically I'm not allowed to call it "magic" or "fat cure" or "God-in-a-bottle," but I ain't gonna lie. Dis shit is da bomb. The bulge-busting bomb, baby!
"This stuff" is Thrive. And, yeah, I'm convinced it's making me svelte!
Before we get to the part where I lost 10 pounds in a month—plus an inch off my muffin top—let me explain how I first gained the weight. Also, I'm disclosing that if you buy Thrive through me I do so profit. But Thrive isn't my passion project—my love-coaching career is—so buy through someone you know or heart if you choose skinny, too, bitches! ;)
(Warning: Thrive may induce attitude cheekiness while reducing cottage cheesiness.)
A short pudgy story: From slow thyroid to Thriving ...
Years of stress as superstar, super busy Realty Lady (100 home sales a year qualifies as busy) plus consumption of logging camp river water likely tainted with creosote as a child, plus having my Mercury-laden fillings removed probably improperly as an adult, plus whatever else I did that led to heavy duty heavy metal toxicity plus—
Add to that combo ...
Ditching a diet of meat for Veganism but not consuming enough cholesterol—which apparently we need a certain amount of for healthy thyroid function. (Who knew?)
Eating a whole lotta leafy greens that, when eaten raw, contain goitrogens—and goitrogenic veggies (kale, spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and more) steal iodine from our systems, which supports healthy thyroid function.
Well, that's all how I fucked up my thyroid and gained 20 pounds, folks.
(Lord knows it wasn't passing the 40-years of age milestone while not passing up burgers and pizza. *sideways glance*)
But now I'm thriving.
Thrive is a supplement "system":
- Two capsules in the morning on an empty stomach
- A tasty shake 20 to 40 minutes later (yummy!)
- Slap on the DFT patch (basically, it's like a nicotine patch but with good-for-you stuff osmosing into your system all day)
I tried using just one of the three products because, honestly, with the crappy Canadian dollar right now, this shit is expensive. I varied the combinations of supplemental products to see if it "still worked" (read: would make me skinny), but that didn't work, though I did feel better.
But feeling better is only half my battle! Vanity trumps gluttony in my world. I like skinny!
Back to the thyroid thing.
I spent two years and thousands of dollars in chelation therapy taking smelly drugs and hooked up to IVs pumping "good" drugs into my veins to rid my body of heavy metals, which was part of the root of my thyroid issue. Stress was the other contributor.
Stress stimulates cortisol production, which, yep, makes us fatter—supposedly mostly in our middles. Refer back to muffin-top.
I did my part to reduce stress by quitting my day job and running away—or rather flying away in an airplane. (See memoir: Me: A Rewrite or just Google "redhead realtor midlife crisis.")
After two years, my thyroid improved! Yay!
But not enough. Boo.
And since I was still fat and cat napping by noon—low energy is a side effect of a slow thyroid—and my hair was thinning faster than my bank account, my naturopath relented and prescribed me a mild thyroid medication.
Meanwhile, I'm still chubby compared to the old but younger, pre-thyroid-issue sized, feather-in-the-wind me.
Note: Don't compare yourself to me. You are you. I am me. I've spent over 40 years in my body, and you've never been in my body. (Unless you are an ex-boyfriend, then you have. But I've been in me longer, so shut it. P.S. I'm still sexy and you miss me.)
While all this thyroid and napping and IVs and butch haircut and bitchiness is going on, my BFF in Calgary is all happy happy joy joy energy-overload annoying, and I'm too tired to buy in to a "magic pill" idea.
She comes to Vancouver for a visit, and I see her and say, "Ok, fine, I'll try it."
My vanity has the better of me. It has been a couple months on the thyroid meds, and my muffin top doesn't seem to be going anywhere. And I really love nachos.
I follow the full program as recommended for three days.
For three days, I'm as energetic, annoying and cheery as my BFF.
"Wow, I feel high! It's like caffeine or cocaine without the jitters or jaw thing!" I exclaim to my roommate.
(Not that I tried cocaine that one time—in Mexico of all places—uh, just kidding backspace delete! Okay, fine, it happened once a long time ago. Don't do it. That shit is bad.)
I order my own Thrive supply. But, as previously stated, for the first two months I try every less-than-recommended combo to save money—which is also scarcity thinking, but that's a whole other topic. I feel better, and my hair isn't falling out, but I'm still tucking my tummy into my ill-fitting stretchy jeans.
Finally, I bite the bullet and follow the program: two capsules (not one), full shake (not half), patch every day (not every other day.)
After one month: 10 pounds down. And still eating burgers. And nachos and pizza. I tell you no fib.
Part of me is wondering if the thyroid medication finally kicked in, but I don't want to risk gaining weight by stopping Thrive just in case it is black magic.
I go home to my family. Someone isn't well. Unlike me, the rest of my family is private, so that's all you get on that situation.
Not planning well, I run out of Thrive while there. A week of no Thrive plus a week of comfort carbs, and I've gained 8 of the 10 pounds I lost. Damn it.
I order more Thrive and stop stuffing my face. I just got my order today, so we'll have to wait and see if Thrive beats my battle with my bulge.
- Even though I ate burgers, fries and yummy foods the whole month that I took Thrive properly and still lost all that weight, I did eat less generally.
- Because I ate less in general—I didn't feel as hungry, which is HUGE for me. My grocery bill went down. (I buy local, organic everything, which is expensive so the reduction made a noticeable impact.)
- My naturopath discontinued my other supplements because I didn't need anything else at this point—whether because of Thrive or whatever. She said, "Yes, I've looked into [Thrive.] I can't find anything bad in it." I take this to mean she should really be selling this stuff.
- For me, because of the above, my net cost is: nada. The moola I save on food and naturopathic supplements is almost on par. If the CDN$ ever goes up, I'll make a buck.
- I exercised more intensely and consistently.
I really really really like the feeling of skinny: elevated mood, energy and focus. And, yep: vanity. (See my Skinny B*tch article for full-figured details.)
I'll let you know in a month if I've re-lost that 10 pounds. Again.
And just because I like skinny doesn't mean you have to like skinny. You do what makes you happy, and I'll do what makes me happy. Just don't be skinny shaming me! (Or do!!)
A girl friend back in my childhood hometown emails me, "If you are super skinny when I see you, I will take you down." #ultimatechickcompliment (You'll have to wait a month.)
P.S. If it makes you feel better, I got a Halle Berry haircut, which I was saving for the skinny-me, but since I messed that up, I went for it—the hair cut—anyway. Let's just say I don't have a Halle Berry face to go with the do. #littleboywearinglipstick (Damn it, again.)
P.P.S. See your doctor before taking anything I recommend! This is called the Anna's anus-protectus clause!