My Purpose: Entertain, Inspire, Be Happy, Free Hugs!
 

Friendship and Houseguests

As previously mentioned, the first month I owned my cozy abode, I wasn't in Vancouver. A desperate and destitute friend—needing a temp place pronto—moved in with her three pups. Did I mention three dogs are not permitted in my building? Did I mention I’m a cat person?The second month that I own the place (June), I moved into my new condo with my friend and her wee beasts. A condo with no furniture, but a lovely view of greenery for us to admire while sitting on the floor. My friend bought an air mattress, which she slept on in the dining area with the three little ones. I have a bed frame (no mattress), and I slept on the planks...

Facelifts and So Forth

What To Consider When Considering Cosmetic Surgery. Anxious and waiting—and possibly oozing beneath the mummified bandages—in the private clinic of a plastic surgeon's office spotlighted by fluorescent lights ... Me: The swelling isn't that bad. Marilyn: I don't know. I have no one to compare it to. I don't know anyone who's had a facelift done. Me: Oh, you do. You just don't know that you do. I've seen a few. This ain't bad, I promise. Marilyn: That's encouraging! The surgeon comes in, and I take a close look at him to see if he's had any "work" done, as if it might reflect on his ability. Of course it doesn't unless he's operating on himself, and that would really...

Flirting & Master Dater ShenANNAgins

How To Meet Single Men In Vancouver.. Or Not. A girl friend and I are strolling by a hole-in-the-brick-wall mysterious venue in Gastown when a tall, not unhandsome guy in retro military gear asks us, "Are you into fetish parties?" An army green 1940s BMW cafe racer with matching camo sidecar is parked beside this scene with an antique ambulance behind it. A blockbuster-movie-sized photo light is aimed at the MASH ensemble. (I find out later Camo Guy owns the props in this mini movie set.) I scan the crowd loitering in the drizzling mist outside of the nameless lounge and see similarly attired patrons, several in skin-exposing camo, military boots and brush cuts. The men are just as interesting....

Born-Again Virgin Seeks Semi-Chauvinist And Meaning Of Life. Or A Job. P.S. Vagina.

I'm at The Broken Spoke, an espresso-slash-bicycle shop. It reminds me of Deus Cafe in Venice, California, only Deus has pricey cafe racers and low quality coffee. The BS has affordable pedal bikes and rich, delish espresso. As a California-converted coffee snob, I now drive across town (seven minutes) for the best stuff: thick as molasses and smooth as Rihanna's clam. (I assume.) Speaking of vaginas—and, in my case, cobwebs—I went to my urologist the other day for more tests on my taco. Actually, they were bladder tests, but that's not nearly as fun to write, or say, aloud. Seriously, try it. "Bladder." "Taco." Or ... "Vagina!" Vagina: the funnest to say. The doctor is mid 30s and kind of...

Hipsters, Crazies And Coffee.

I'll Miss You, Too, La La Land ...The HipstersWhile "researching" this "article," I sent an email to a gay, as in homo, as in homosexual homo-sapien—who I call J'Mo (his first name starts with J and, well, you get the rest). Anyway, I asked him how to tell the difference between a gay guy and a hipster.He basically tells me, You remember where I live, right? [My adulthood home town] where there is no obvious evidence of either! I have to admit—he's right. Even though I know several gay couples, I know of no one who wears suspenders, bow-ties, or their pants rolled up just so. (Not even in the lady couples.) And the fellows I've seen sporting beards and...

Let's Talk Razor Burn.

...Because Then She Shaved My Face...If you want a detailed list of the cosmetic procedures I've done to look baby-face fresh, you'll have to read my memoir. Or at least skip to that chapter. Oh wait, details are sprinkled throughout. In that case, feel free to skim-read—though, you would be missing out on plenty of shits and giggles-snorts. Just sayin' ... Just sayin'. Who else dislikes that saying? Riiight? (And that one.) And yet it slips out, not unlike a—I'll skip the innuendo because I'm a grown-up now. Though I can probably give myself one more year. I mean who ends adolescence at 44? OCDness alone begs another year (to make 45), but six is preferable (to round up to...

Two Words: Bionic. Vagina.

Taking Charge Of Urinary Incontinence aka Leaky Bladder.Before we get to female aging and bodily disfunctions...One: I apologize. I apologize for not writing for so long. I'm sorry. I'm Canadian so I'm always sorry. It's in our nature. And yes, I am grouping all Canadians into this friendly-nature-and-polite-apologizing generality. So sue me. (Um, if you're not a Canadian, we don't actually sue each other in Canada, it's only a joke. No, really, we're just not that into it.)Ttwo: You're welcome. I'm writing this after a glass of wine (Sonoma Pinot Noir) because I met a cute guy recently and foolishly gave him the link to this site. And even though he's too young for me, I did see chest hairs...

In Kathmandu Playing 'Cat and Mouse' with A Dastardly Old Hound.

Oh, Lolita! I would like to preface this tattletale by admitting that I took my chances choosing such a provocatively controversial novel—Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. It’s the tale (pun) of a thirty-seven-year-old man (pedophile) obsessed with a twelve-year-young nymphette. Let that be a lesson to me. However, mes cheries! I did give "Almost a Grandfather"—married to Almost a Grandmother!—ample opportunity to respect my boundaries. Let this be a lesson to him. So after our Annapurna Circuit trekking group is back at Kathmandu Guest House, I ask to be moved as far away from "Almost's" chamber as is physically possible. Surprised, the manager behind the desk clerk asks, Did he make inappropriate advances toward you? ...

Nepal: Never-Ending Peace and Love. (Maybe Too Much Love.)

Not sure how I’m going to compact a month in Nepal into one blog, but I ams gonna try ...I wasn’t going to blog Nepal. This blog—naughtypotty—is a random collection of dark (shady? sketchy? let’s go with kind of pathetic and too personal) comedy skits in narrative format on a screen, and my time in this weather-beaten, off-the-beaten-path country of kind people has been a bit of a serious journey for me.Rather than relay the daily play by play, I’ll summarize in snippets ...Our Guides and Porters:Ram Hari (pronounced “hurry”) Nepal. Has worked with Intrepid, the company I trekked with, for almost fifteen years. Hmm, how to summarize his presence briefly? He puts nearly every service provider I’ve ever met...

A Frank Conversation about Sexual Preferences: Anything Goes between Consenting Adults.

Boracay Beach, Philippines Blog Nine.We're at Nigis, and he's showing us risqué photos on his iPhone of the Lady-boys he's been with. Wait, let me "back up" a bit. (And forewarn My Little Mom about the adult content of this blog.) Earlier (like fifteen minutes ago) ... I'm at Nigis. Blue Eyes is here along with an array of expats and tourists. I meet the aforementioned lady-boy lover. We'll call him Frank, because he is. He's been in the Philippines since 2006. He's a consultant—for whom I don't know—for finding missing persons with a hotel and hospitality background. And now he lives here. In Boracay. (Not at Nigis, though he is a regular.) Then Kite Boarder—aka flutter, swoon,...

Filipino Massages—Not Always About the Happy Ending.

Boracay Beach, Philippines Blog EightBlue Eyes recommends Eden (real name), a masseuse who works near Nigi Nigi, a location which is extra convenient if one needs a nap before or after happy hour.My Boracay Beach massage experiences thus far:The TexterEden wasn’t available when I arrived—no appointment necessary—so I went with another masseuse who was. She’s young and uninterested. We go into the massage room that offers two massage tables—should one decide to get the two-person-massage deal. I strip down to my bathing suit and hop on the table. All is well, the massage is relaxing, probably because she is one-hand texting during most of it. I’m too tired to care so I semi-doze off. I’m “a nice Canadian,” so I...

The Turkish (d)Rug Dealer.

Boracay Beach, Philippines Blog Seven. I'm walking along the Strip one day, and a man just sort of appears beside me. It happens so naturally that I'm not caught off-guard, and the next thing you know we've walked several beach blocks together. He tells me he's a rug dealer but, with his accent, it sounds like drug dealer. (Later, when I get to know him more, I'm not sure I actually heard him wrong.) He's touchy feely and has rug- (thug-?) beating meaty hands that constantly graze my shoulder, hip, and hair, and make me adjust my I(heart)BoracayPhilipinnes satchel to a more secure placement. But he laughs a lot and is charming. And alarming. I followed you, he...

How to Build the Best Booty Everrr—Strap And Zap That Ass!

Boracay Beach, Philippines Blog Six.  In the change room, I remove all my clothing and under-gear and put on the men's size large, black shorts and t-shirt, which is not all that loose on me and clings to my pert nips.Back in the zapper room, he spritzes me all over with water and then he helps me into the black vest with wires hanging from it. He places stretchy wide bands on my biceps and upper thighs, and then a wider band around my butt that clasps in the front.Brace yourself, he tells me as he takes a lunge stance and then jerks the cinch straps around my chest and my mid- and lower-waist areas. I jolt forward nearly collapsing...

Vacation Sex: What Happens In Boracay Stays in Boracay (And in This Blog).

Boracay Beach, Philippines Blog Four. I'm at Nigi Nigi Nu Noos "e" Nu Nu Noos with Blue Eyes. Nigis is one of the popular local hangouts for ex-pats and "white" tourists who have left their homes and native lands to travel to this exotic destination rich in culture—if poor in conditions—only to coagulate with their own flock in a beach bar with hot wings and cheap beer on the menu and Cheap Trick on the radio. I sit at the bar drinking bottled water (as I'm not much of a drinker) and observe the crowd while Blue Eyes chats with the bartender, who plunks down another Blue Eyes "regular" (as he is more of a drinker).It's relatively early. There aren't...

Waning And Waxing aka How Many Aestheticians Does It Take to Wax One Pussy?

Boracay Beach, Philippines Blog Three.Pussy1: Slang for vulva—because technically, anatomically, vagina is only the inside bits.And the next thing I know, there's another Filipino female (I hope) checking out my Sasquatch Snatch. Sasquatch Snatch: AJ slang for hair pie, which be regular redneck slang for hairy va-jay-jay, which is simple slang for uncoiffed-overgrown-I've-been-single-and-celibate-for-over-a-year cookie—which is just sad. Let's backtrack a smidge to September: Back in Canada when the weather turned autumn cool—by my standards, this is any temperature under 25 degrees Celsius—I pulled out the jeans and skipped shaving my legs and nether regions. (There are pluses to celibate singlehood.) My hair grows fast so, by the time I'd arrived in the Philippines, I was wearing a woolly layer under my winter attire. There's...

Headline: Boracay Beach, Philippines—Not (Just) About Dirty Old Men and Young Lady-Boys.

Blog Two In The Boracay Beach, Philippines / Himalayas, Nepal AJ Travels Series.My plan was to come to Boracay to get in shape for my hike in Nepal next month—did I forget to mention that part? Yes? Well, we’ll get to that, just you wait. Where was I? Oh, right—get fit for hike. My buddy—we’ll call him Blue Eyes—who lives here in Boracay, has done a bunch of hikes in Nepal including the Mount Everest Base Camp hike and the Annapurna Circuit. A few weeks ago, I impulsively decide I need to go somewhere “spiritual” for my Canadian snowbird getaway from winter. Bhutan is at the top of my bucket list, but Nepal is at the top of my budget...

CR to Vancouver to Hong Kong to Manila to Caticlan to Jetty ... Arrive Boracay Beach, Philippines!

"Rated One Of The Best Beaches In The World." Did I ever mention I'm not a beach person? Did I ever tell you how I once missed a flight back from Costa Rica by three ... (Cough.) ... days? True story. I usually manage to get lost, lose luggage or miss flights. I’m anally organized (read: OCD) in most areas of my life, but travel ... not so much. For this trip, I’d planned on using my travel points to pay for the flight—key word “planned,” but I messed up. After I spent over 90 minutes on the phone with an Avion Travel Points rep, with Avion’s various fees and taxes, it turned out I would pay almost the same...

Not Fit To Be Tied (Up)

Black and white photos of nude women in (what I’d assumed was) bondage. With shadows subtly caressing creases and curves and with a contrast between colourless form and feminine softness, the obscurity of their faces only added to the allure—and, I admit, to my curiosity....

Robin Williams: A Serious Peace.

You guys, this is a bit of a serious piece. Actually, I’ve changed my mind already. Depression is serious, but the media has already talked about depression so much, because of Nanoo Nanoo Man, so I’m not going to go into that again here. But the death of Robin Williams did affect me. Like really really. It didn’t hit me until the day after I found out, which, since I’m a Facebook addict, was the day after he died. I might have been numb that first day or maybe in shock but, for at least a week after that, I was on the verge of (and, at times, over the edge on) eye moisture leakage. (I tried to blame it...

There’s No Righting Rage On The Page. But He Shat Too.

Doest Not Shite Where Thou Doth Drink (Espresso). I wrote this a couple weeks ago but waited to post it. I didn’t want my fury getting the best of me. (Though, have you noticed that I do my best writing under this influence? Just sayin’.) Anyway, having allowed enough time to pass, I can safely post this now without regret. Plus, it’s funny and we all might learn something. And that’s my job: to entertain and to inspire. And to be happy. And writing this (back then) restored my gayness (not homo-gay, hetero-gay!). Two Sundays ago… I’m so mad. How mad am I? Thank you for asking. I’m so mad that I’m buying cheap pencils. And a plastic-covered notebook....

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