My Purpose: Entertain, Inspire, Be Happy, Free Hugs!
 

Let's Talk Razor Burn.

...Because Then She Shaved My Face...If you want a detailed list of the cosmetic procedures I've done to look baby-face fresh, you'll have to read my memoir. Or at least skip to that chapter. Oh wait, details are sprinkled throughout. In that case, feel free to skim-read—though, you would be missing out on plenty of shits and giggles-snorts. Just sayin' ... Just sayin'. Who else dislikes that saying? Riiight? (And that one.) And yet it slips out, not unlike a—I'll skip the innuendo because I'm a grown-up now. Though I can probably give myself one more year. I mean who ends adolescence at 44? OCDness alone begs another year (to make 45), but six is preferable (to round up to...

Deja Vu: The Mid-Life Weary-Go-Round Crisis.

What To Do When We Don't Know What To Do. Warning: F-bombs. Yes, my vagina is fine, thank you for asking. A little lonely perhaps, but isn't everyone?I decided to write this blog sober (but not somber) because I'm in a coffee shop, and the baristas don't take well to drunkards stumbling around asking patrons will you type this blog for me, (hehe) I'm having a hard time seeing the screen should we write about free the nipples or (hiccough, hehe)... hey, lady, wait come back ...What? You don't believe that happened? Well, fine you're right. But speaking of boozy, there goes a home-lacking man with a veritable townhouse of possessions attached to a bicycle. I'm not being prejudice here;...

A Conversation with God(ly People).

I wrote my last blog (the one about masturbation and dildos) before meeting the born again Christians (or is that Born Again?) for a three-hour lunch and chat, which sort of turned into a bible session—only without the Bible but with a lot of talk about our Lord God Almighty. (I’m sure referencing Him requires capitalization, and I’m also certain that a whole helluva lot of Catholics have capitalized on that for a great many years.)Anyway, I’d posted a note on my Facebook page saying I’m open for coffee if you live nearby (some restrictions now apply), and these friendly God-fearing folk took me up on the offer hoping to heal my heathen ways. (Apparently, part of doing God’s good...

Modern ‘Medical’ Devices: Divinity Approved or The Devil Dared Me?

After a few days of frustration in trying to format/upload/preview my book to online retailers and then try to send them my bank info so they’ll know where to direct all those best-seller ebook funds (sideways glance) from the impending mega sales of my memoir—details to follow—I decide to take a breather. I drive around town delivering posters that announce Pre-Order Now! even though there wouldn’t have been any way to order at all until I sorted out the aforementioned accounting and formatting technicalities. Since few will see the posters I put up right away, I say to myself (out loud), If no one is going to see these brilliant works of art (thanks Studio Ei8hty8), then why...

Atonement: Love is the Answer

Last week I went to a Marianne Williamson event with my housemate, Mermaid, and another housemate, Sussex. Since Mermaid's Prius' backseat (and trunk) were still stocking-stuffer stacked to the brim with the numerous treasures she's procured to resell at the next antique market, Sussex and I agree to share the passenger seat. I'm on top. This is both illegal and uncomfortable. By the time we get through almost 90 minutes of rush hour traffic, my coccyx needs a chiropractor and Sussex's knees are numb. Nonetheless, it's all worth it. There, we meet our friend, Tango (though he prefers to go by the sexier Africa007), who is also from the UK (born in Nigeria). Normally, Tango likes to sit at...

What’s Up Doc?—Certainly Not My pH! (Unease or Dis-ease)

May. After no holds barred à la boulangerie (French for “bakery”) in Paris whereupon I gained seven pounds in seven days despite excessive walking and ab workouts (coughing due to second-hand cigarette smoke), I’m sitting in my GP’s office with a point form list in my hand (my LMLotFM sits beside me: for comfort and as evidence). My list: Thermography and/or mammogram? (implants) Colonoscopy Lymphoma Kidneys Adrenals What did he [already] test my blood for? Tired—over a year! (at least since I became Vegan-demoted-to-Vegetarian) Swollen glands Bladder (cough/pee) Before he can finish his greeting, I’m out of the gate with, “I think I have lymphoma.” His brow furrows and he blinks several times and I wait for him to breathe...

Poked and Prodded - Physically, Metaphysically

March. Poked and Prodded Part 1: Physically Me: “So I’ll just take my shirt off?” Him: “Leave your bra on.” Me: “It’s a workout top.” Him: “Put the straps under your arms.” Me: “Okay … but not the sweat pants, right?” Him: “Yes, take those off, too.” Me, avoiding eye contact: “But I haven’t shaved my, my, well—anything, in 4 months.” He shrugs, “Me neither.” Cut to next scene—I’m lying on the therapeutic bed in the dim light under a whisper thin sheet hoping that, when he returns, he won’t see the salad poking out from under my lacy panties. (If you’re going to wear sweats, ladies, wear some decent underwear; do this for you.) I’m wondering if the...

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