My Purpose: Entertain, Inspire, Be Happy, Free Hugs!
 

My Little Mom

Warning: F-bombs and bitchiness.You’ve been warned.I wrote this a couple months ago, before... :(Was it Mercury Retrograde or the MSG or was it MLM (My Little Mom) fading fast that made me so fucking cranky? See, a swear in the first fucking sentence. (Though, I do feel a little better getting that out.)So, what’s going on in my world … Let’s see. Well, I spend half my time at My Sister’s home (on Vancouver Island) giving her a bit of a break and providing some twisted sister comfort—more on that in a minute—and the other half of my time in Vancouver partying like a washed up rock star, minus the drugs.Benefits of being with my family:No pants. (PJs: yes)No sirens.No...

Because Everyone Loves a Trip to the ER in the Middle of the Night

ER Stands for: Exciting Ride, Right? Riiight?Sister’s home, 3:00am My sister wakes me from a delta sleep by touching my toe. Like that projectile vomiting girl in The Exorcist movie, I sit straight up with a start and gasp. My sister’s expression tells me we’re going to the hospital again, but that the situation isn’t dire.Mom lives with my sister and has late stage lung cancer, which is totally unfair, because she quit smoking over 30 years ago. Cancer is unfair, like that.We've already lost one family member to cancer earlier this year. Like I said, unfair.We got the diagnosis for My Little Mom five months ago when she’d noticed a constant tickle in her throat. Since then, her lung...

Kiss and Tell. Fuckit, Why Not?

People have different ways of dealing with the impending death of a loved one. Some of those ways might not be considered healthy, but I say if we can garner a laugh out of it—and walk away without STDs or too many bruises (inner or outer)—then, BAM, why the F not? Here’s how it went down … (Mind out of gutter, we’re not at that part. Yet!) A few Fridays ago, I’m in my cozy abode deciding if I want to mope or make myself Little Miss Social. So, upon receiving an event invite, I—Vacillate between jamming out or going out; decide to go out; tell Marilyn for accountability.Call mom; cry.Put on upbeat house music to get in the anti-introvert...

Friendship and Houseguests

As previously mentioned, the first month I owned my cozy abode, I wasn't in Vancouver. A desperate and destitute friend—needing a temp place pronto—moved in with her three pups. Did I mention three dogs are not permitted in my building? Did I mention I’m a cat person?The second month that I own the place (June), I moved into my new condo with my friend and her wee beasts. A condo with no furniture, but a lovely view of greenery for us to admire while sitting on the floor. My friend bought an air mattress, which she slept on in the dining area with the three little ones. I have a bed frame (no mattress), and I slept on the planks...

A Serious Case of the Sads.

Since I haven't written in what seems like forever, I'm going to have to just sum up. I've gone through a shit storm of sadness with people I love dropping like flies. I can't tell you any more than that because it involves others who are private and don't want people to know what's going on in their lives. Suffice it to say that it's been a big struggle, and I have been wading through the muck of emotion for several months. There have been funny times during the morose moments. I can't detail that yet either, but it involves inappropriate taxidermy jokes. In general, I've been in Campbell River for months taking short breaks to hit Vancouver (I do...

Death, Dating ... Dominatrix? I Am Disturbed.

Facetious Financier wouldn't tell me how he got the photo of my butt, but it was posted on Facebook for a while because I was in the midst of my midlife crisis at the time and, well, why not, right? I was already on my way out of real estate at that point―at least mentally―so might as well throw on a dominatrix outfit and go parading around in public. (But it was Vegas, and I was one of a trio, so it wasn't like I was the only.) I would be deeply ashamed of myself for this―and several other escapades―except for the fact that I say shame on shame! Plus, my shenanigans inspire people; they know that they can redeem...

How To Get Skinny Fast. (Not "Skinny-Fat")

I Lost 10 Pounds. Start Skinny Shaming Me!Okay, so far no one has skinny shamed me—to my face! But I'm sure it's going to happen any day now because I'm getting skinny again, ya'll. What's the magic potion? Well, technically I'm not allowed to call it "magic" or "fat cure" or "God-in-a-bottle," but I ain't gonna lie. Dis shit is da bomb. The bulge-busting bomb, baby! "This stuff" is Thrive. And, yeah, I'm convinced it's making me svelte! Before we get to the part where I lost 10 pounds in a month—plus an inch off my muffin top—let me explain how I first gained the weight. Also, I'm disclosing that if you buy Thrive through me I do so...

Project: 50 First Dates aka Wanna Date Me?

Wanna Date?Shut. The. Front. Door! Project 50 first dates? Master Dater??? So, here’s the dealio. In case you’ve forgotten, I am now a (self-)certified Dating, Love and Relationship Coach—Expert! I mean, why not, right? I’ve studied love and relationships for years! Yes, because, like a mechanic’s broken down car, my own love life was in dire straits and needed some serious fixing. Crazy as it seems, I know a thing or ten thousand about people. But a mechanic doesn’t often get around to their own vehicle—until they have to. After giving love and relationship advice all these years, I figured I’d better start walking the talk. Yep. Luck favours the bold and brazen. (And crazy.) Here I...

Facelifts and So Forth

What To Consider When Considering Cosmetic Surgery. Anxious and waiting—and possibly oozing beneath the mummified bandages—in the private clinic of a plastic surgeon's office spotlighted by fluorescent lights ... Me: The swelling isn't that bad. Marilyn: I don't know. I have no one to compare it to. I don't know anyone who's had a facelift done. Me: Oh, you do. You just don't know that you do. I've seen a few. This ain't bad, I promise. Marilyn: That's encouraging! The surgeon comes in, and I take a close look at him to see if he's had any "work" done, as if it might reflect on his ability. Of course it doesn't unless he's operating on himself, and that would really...

Flirting & Master Dater ShenANNAgins

How To Meet Single Men In Vancouver.. Or Not. A girl friend and I are strolling by a hole-in-the-brick-wall mysterious venue in Gastown when a tall, not unhandsome guy in retro military gear asks us, "Are you into fetish parties?" An army green 1940s BMW cafe racer with matching camo sidecar is parked beside this scene with an antique ambulance behind it. A blockbuster-movie-sized photo light is aimed at the MASH ensemble. (I find out later Camo Guy owns the props in this mini movie set.) I scan the crowd loitering in the drizzling mist outside of the nameless lounge and see similarly attired patrons, several in skin-exposing camo, military boots and brush cuts. The men are just as interesting....

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